


Thin as paper

by Midgetphan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-08-23 09:40:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16616534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Midgetphan/pseuds/Midgetphan
Summary: Phil, however, after receiving the sheet and immediately realizing what it was, stared back at him entirely different. If Dan had blinked then he would have missed it. Before concealing it with serious cautiousness, he could’ve sworn Phil’s eyes had waver with fear. Dan’s smile vanished imitating the atmosphere in the room, feeling suddenly exposed to scrutiny, as if he had brusquely transformed into someone entirely unrecognizable. As if Phil was not able anymore to read him like an open book the way he had since day one anymore.





	Thin as paper

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: implied sex, nothing specific tho. Slight unnecessary angst. Messy timelines don’t even ask

Normalcy connoted endless hours of scrolling to, as he unsuccessfully attempted to make himself believe, reliable information that could be used for the benefit of his job by checking on appealing subjects his target audience would enjoy. Universally translated to; scrolling on tumblr in order to stay up to date with the memes. 

Fair to say the content never ceased to amaze, and terrify him during this web voyages, especially when high percentage consisted on his own face mutilated in endless of those memes.

Automatically, given years of experience, his eyes could divert from repetitive posts and focus on either some of the incredible art or immensely creative uses of his image on what would amuse him and his friends later. Masqueraded behind public cringe, Dan Howell was certainly proud of his followers. Their diversity had found a common taste on cyber bullying him and fabricated from it a solid community that he found hauntingly beautiful. This would be his legacy after all and damn it, it was unique. 

Of course his protagonism was not entirely solo. More than half of the time, every gif, every edit, and every fan-art would be shared with Amazingphil’s face as well. They were a brand after all similar to mac and cheese or Dolce & Gabanna (because you are as near as popular and expensive as that Dan) their names had become a whole. Dan & Phil. There was no person who’d know of one of them without knowing the other. They had accepted that for years now, embraced the reality and shared it with their fans.

Fingers momentarily abandoned their routine to facilitate a stretch, which resulted in audible pops from sore knuckles. The stretch lasted longer than necessary, mostly because it felt refreshing, without noting the dash had scrolled down from a piece of art  him and Phil’s shadows goodly emerged with colors that matched their brand aesthetics) to a written post. When his eyes finally repositioned on the bright screen, too lazy to unfold his fingers and lower his arms just yet, he read the beginning part. It caught his curiosity enough to sluggishly press the down arrow and read it all.

I can’t bear to think the day Phil finds someone else and moves out, how heartbroken Dan is gonna be! He will be a mess omg Phil is his soulmate!

With an eyebrow lifted and amusement in his smirk he clicked to read the reactions to this post. Expected comments of “omg I’m gonna be crafting!” “don’t do this to me!” “nope!” “but they’ll never move out” flood the section along with; “he will be the best man at phil’s wedding I bet my ass” “will be the end of full time internet homo” “wtf even is his sexuality?” “ I’ll support phil no matter what” “ sadly I can see this happening soon. Phil obviously doesn’t love Dan anymore.” The last one halted his lecture for a second. 

That was interesting. Two heartbeats later the scrolling continued, finding an edit of Phil’s face cropped onto a Meryl Streep singing the sound of music. An instant save.

The strong aroma captivated his senses in a welcoming way. Usually, coffee was not his fancied beverage but after a long night of brainstorming, tea, no matter how British his blood was, deemed inadequate to shake his brain cells awake. His mug full of boiling coffee awaited on the table next to an exact similar one that had clearly been as full before his arrival. 

Not far, three crumpets settled on a single white plate. The fourth one was already being devoured by his roommate who merely diverted his attention from a piece of sheet to nod in Dan’s direction as greeting. Dan grunted in return while taking seat on the colorful chair on the opposite. The coffee was too for him to drink yet.

“Not bad. I’d exemplify crossovers differently though. Not everyone has seen that anime, the joke will be wasted on them.” Dan hummed in agreement. Nothing was settled yet and different ideas already roamed his mind as he helped himself with the griddle cake. Seeking for perfection in his videos often concluded on welcoming Phil’s contributions before and after the filming process. 

There had been not need to ask for Phil to read the sheet of paper abandoned on the couch from his half all-nighter to begin with.   
Hot coffee and objective opinions for his videos had always been there for him in mornings subsequent brainstorming nights. Finally the beverage was not as hot as to burn his throat. 

“ So I’ll be Harry Potter and will be killed by a Dalek"

\-----------------

2015

Sup bitch – DH

DADDY! OMG – TO

Omg actually shut up – DH

Jk love – TO  
What do I owe the pleasure? – TO

Saw a whisker and thought of you – DH

Fuck off – TO

Shove that up your butt – TO  
Along with the whisker – TO

Rude???? I’m triggered now – DH

Yeih! – TO

Serious now, I had an idea for our colab – DH

If it has anything to do with whiskers I swear to jesus our lord – TO

Check the image – DH

Honey, send me an email, I cant read doctor – TO

Ugh – DH

Your handwriting is awful, did you even went to school??? – TO  
And the picture was all blurry tbh – TO

It was 4 am okay? Not exactly the time to take an artistic picture – DH  
I lost the paper but I’ll email it to you – DH

Are you f’ing me? – TO  
Who was keeping you awake at such hour Mr. Howell? – TO  
I won’t kinkshame – TO

You know my laptop is like that… - DH  
She likes to be on my lap till my legs are burning and she is burning with effort – DH

You slut – TO  
How did you lose that paper so fast tho? – TO  
Should’ve given it to Phil – TO

What do you mean? – DH

Ugh, explaining jokes is not fun – TO  
He is better with keeping important things like papers with important information! safe – TO

Riiiiight – DH

Come on, I’ve read your book – TO

As many young girls all over the world, do you feel especial? – DH

I’m the Queen, love I always feel especial – TO

Phil would’ve lost his feet it they weren’t attached to his body already - DH

But he kept the sheet? – TO

The pinof one? – DH

Yes? – TO

That was me you idiot – DH

2014

The idea had been incepted somewhere along the past weeks, and everything changed since then. It had absorbed every thought and conversation between them from that moment on. A book and a tour. They should start with the book. Dan couldn’t remember who had been the one who voiced that idea first. It didn’t matter. With millions of ideas flooding their minds, who said what was the least of their concerns.

“Phil is not on fire”

“Obviously”

Their origin as a conjoined brand. Conceiving a book without mentioning it would be enough to initiate rampage over their fans. They would literally burn the books while dancing around their crucified bodies.

“The reason behind it. Why we kept doing it once a year ever since“. Phil was typing the possible content they could later on expand into actual paragraphs. His eyes narrowed with concentration that couldn’t entirely dissemble the excitement that would flicker in his gaze from time to time. Dan was sure his eyes reflected the same. “Our favorite questions? There’s not much they haven’t already seen from those videos.”

It had been an invitation to contribute with ideas. A difficult task since Dan knew the one thing their fans would give an arm to know about was one of those topics they had buried under thick cement behind doors with reinforced locks. No way in hell he was going to be the one to vocalize it. He wouldn’t open those doors.

Feeling the expecting stare from the other as he avoided looking back, his brain experimented a cruise of memories from that very day. Cheeks suddenly felt warm and he feared red patches were visible and would intrigue Phil’s attention soon if he remained quiet. Perhaps, in order to avoid a conversation that would lead nowhere, an idea emerged. So brilliant and obvious he jumped to his feet and dashed to his room without voicing anything. Phil probably thought he had had an unexpected desire to wee but who cares.

A couple of minutes later he entered the office with a folder and joy emanating from his face. Like someone who had just found they didn’t leave their cellphone at home after all, Dan was experimenting the gaiety of having an idea that should have been obvious from the very beginning. Extracting the old paper with writing that resembled kid’s doodle, he presented it to Phil with pride waiting to see his realization and be awarded with a congratulation for his enormous contribution.

Phil, however, after receiving the sheet and immediately realizing what it was, stared back at him entirely different. If Dan had blinked then he would have missed it. Before concealing it with serious cautiousness, he could’ve sworn Phil’s eyes had waver with fear. Dan’s smile vanished imitating the atmosphere in the room, feeling suddenly exposed to scrutiny, as if he had brusquely transformed into someone entirely unrecognizable. As if Phil was not able anymore to read him like an open book the way he had since day one.

“You kept this.” Wasn’t a question yet it denoted a wary desire to confirm that it had been Dan, and not some alien, who had held their Q/A sheet of paper all along. “Why?”

Dan saw it then. Clearly as he had always been able to decipher Phil Lester’s line of thoughts when they would deviate from thought A to thought Z, the thread became evident. And Dan wanted to run. No jokes or sassy remarks would rescue him, not when Phil’s tone was that serious one he loathed. The tone that made him feel young in his presence, not an equal. Irritation emerged instead. He wanted to push Phil, throw the ribena to his prudent face. How dare he unlock one of the doors they had secured so cautiously? Out a fucking piece of paper that meant nothing. It meant nothing.

Time proceeded in silence with gazes focused on each other before Dan shrugged, turning his face to the screen with a poor excuse of a smile. “Always knew the fans were going to like it. Don’t you think?”

When Phil reassumed his previous posture and placed the paper on the desk between them, a couple of minutes had elapsed too but Dan’s frown remained. “They’ll love it.”

2016

“Fucking heat fuck off already!” The complain resonated in their lounge as, if in cue, the door slammed closed indicating the intrusion of someone in their house. Even without the familiar grunts and unsteady steps coming near, Dan knew his friend was about to enter the room. So he voiced his query with little expectations. “Is it better outside?”

“If by better you mean boiling air attacking you from all fronts” with his forearm carefully placed to conceal his sight from the blazing sun illuminating from the windows, Dan heard more than observed what appeared to be Phil imitating his posture on the floor next to him. The coolness from it had deemed a paradise on his back compared to the couch, which material only increased the sweat.

“Fuck it, Phil. Let’s move to Alaska.” Even with his eyes closed the brightness of the day engulfed any darkness and he could see orange from behind his eyelids.

“Pros; we could have dogs. As many as we want. Cons; seafood.” The con mostly related to Dan’s adversity towards fish. He made a disgusted noise before replying.

“Alright. Pros; My aesthetic on clothes won’t make an impact there. Con; you would probably die by trying to pet a bear.”

Phil’s laugh adverted his proximity. Apparently the older guy was lying closer than he once thought. “I’d die within a week. Pro; northern lights.” He stopped for a second at the sound of approving from Dan. “Con; showers. Do they even have hot water there?”

“We wouldn’t live in a freaking igloo you twat. What, do you imagine us hunting to survive? Oh my god.”

“I have another con. You’d somehow end up in jail.” The amusement in his voice was visible even with closed eyes.

“Oh cause I’m so awkward I’d probably spit an insult without meaning it is it? You’d follow me after tripping with a sacred Totem and destroying it you know.”

“I thought I was gonna meet my end with a bear.”

“No, the bear only leaves you half death.”

“Am I saved by an old lady with big breasts like Homer Simpson?”

“Nah, she is busy doing your mom.” Not fast enough to recoil he feels the punch on his side recovering his breath after laughing for a couple of minutes.

“Shut up. You’d have to take care of me in my recovery.”

“Fuck off. There are hospitals for that.”

“What if the bear seeks revenge?” Phil starts talking faster as he always does when he cant wait to express an idea to Dan promptly enough. “What if I seek revenge? I recover and after training with the locals go out to the wild and I go full Uma Thurman?”

“Okay first, you wouldn’t kill the bear. You can’t even stomach to kill a fly. Second, what am I expected to do during your vendetta journey? Wait at home with the dogs? Fishing to survive?”

“You could come with me.”

“Right Phil and they’d find two bodies on the forest instead of one.” Repositioning his arm above his head his eyes finally opened taking a time to adjust to the light. In order to avoid being blinded by the window his gaze rested on the body next to him. Phil’s head was resting on both his hands as he stared at the ceiling.

With his arms like that his, completely opened, button down shirt also revealed great part of his waist skin. After making an amused sound Phil closed his eyes. Flickers of luminosity from the window reflecting on his glasses. “Only one. I’d eat your body to survive. Share it with wild animals so they accept me as their friend.”

Dan didn’t respond to that and silence filled the room. He realized their breathing had steadied on a exact compass when it was the only noise that could be heard inside the lounge. Outside, London noises orchestrated. He looked so calm, perhaps had fallen asleep already with the heat, and Dan’s heavy eyes roamed curiously through the visible pale skin. Phil’s fringe had been removed, probably due sweat, leaving a free forehead with visible roots of a different color. He’d have to dye it again soon. The fabric of his shirt had gallantly lifted right above his hip bones where he spotted a red line. Only visible due the paleness of his skin. Dan’s mind fogged with warm air, divagated at the idea of his friend scratching a little too rough without noting, leaving a mark he probably had not seen yet.

One of the doors he kept securely locked, dangerously wavered with memories too vivid he normally avoided to look back at. He allowed a peek inside that room, certain he’d be able to shove it close again. He always was. But for seconds he granted himself to glance back at how that dim skin felt under his touch. How easily it could be marked when his fingers hold it too tight, but yet not tight enough. It used to be fresh to contact yet burn when pressed to his own body. How the muscles would contract with pleasure when his lips roamed free to taste it. Now it was foreign. Probably different. Probably the same. Not his to explore anymore. Not his to leave marks with possessiveness anymore. Just not his anymore.

“When you stop checking me out Daniel, would you bring me a glass with as many ices as you can?” Dan jumped out of his skin, slamming the door close with force as his friend’s eyes seemed eager to contain amusement. Phil was blushing.

“You go. If I move now I’ll look like Jabba the Hutt leaving sweat all over my path.”

“Sexy.”

2010

Dan didn’t consider himself as romantic. High school romance and every cringe worthy memory aside, expressions as a heart beat stopping or butterflies in your stomach when near the loved one were just that. Expressions. Metaphors utilized by writers to describe the overwhelming sentiment that was, in his opinion, overrated most of the times. What mattered was the chemistry. The connection a person found with another alongside a physical attraction. He was young after all, hormones were still a thing.

That must be why, if asked, he didn’t feel his heart about to burst out of his chest. Nor tickles where his intestines were supposed to be. He felt in harmony. Finally he had encountered his chemistry. Everything was natural with Phil. His soul captivated and merged with his own effortlessly in every activity they’ve shared so far. He had found a real friend. A real person. His person. Someone who had promised to stay and so far was keeping his promise. More importantly, someone for whom Dan would fight to keep around, that much he knew as a certain at his ninteens. 

While fingers lazily draw figures on the pale arm that was holding him tight, he had no desire in concealing a chuckle, forcing the other awake.

“What’s so funny?” Phil’s hoarse tone sent a warm sensation through his veins inducing a reckless desire to tangle their legs and grind against him again and get deliciously consumed by the other’s assertive flame just once more that night. However the desire was momentarily mitigated with an amusement he needed to share.

“Look what I found next to the bed.” His hand lifted a blue marker, trying to quiet his laughter this time as understanding reached Phil’s sleepy eyes. The lid was already on but the damaged had been made long ago. “Want to look at my art?”

Lifting his cell phone he showed a picture recently took as it reflected what the older had looked like exactly ten seconds ago. Peacefully sleepy with his mouth partially open and several doodles all over his forehead. Some were words but mostly drawings.

“Apart from the penis it’s hard to differentiate what are words with your sucky handwriting.” Phil was squinting his eyes in order to figure out more of the display of creation his face had been submitted to.

“Come on I worked so hard and it was hard to concentrate with you snoring.”

“Your mom snores.”

“Look I wrote AmazingPhil right here you see? Even a lion eating the frog that’s coming from your eyebrow.”

“Is that supposed to be a heart?” His free hand promptly found brown hair already rampaged with their previous activities and tousled it even more while the younger continued laughing. “I swear to god if I can’t wash this off you’ll wake up with even more art on a place of your body you can’t see.”

“Then perhaps you shouldn’t see what I wrote on your waist.”

2016

“What the crap!?” His yell echoed within the walls that were, as of now, overcastted by darkness. For a second, natural fear had conquered rationality giving the same sensation of accidentally falling off a cliff.

“It’s a blackout.” Phil’s voice recollected his senses back into logic. A blatant remark would have been mouthed if his eyes had not adverted the notification of “unable to connect” at the bottom of his screen. Well of course the internet would disappear along electricity Dan.

“Fuck. My phone’s dead can you check how bad it is?” Relying on the dim visibility his screen provided he caught a glimpse of his mobile ought to be charged later.

“It’s a problem within the area, says it should be back in a couple of hours.” Through the walls Phil wouldn’t have missed the grunt just as Dan had not missed the sigh. “Hold on I’m gonna light some candles.” His roommate obsession with scented candles would come in handy if it didn’t ignite another fear.

“No, Phil wait. Oh my god.”

“What?” Already the voice proceeded from the corridor.

“The matches are on the kitchen aren’t they?”

“Guess so.” The elder man’s level of clumsiness surpassed normality as it was. Without light he would probably crack his neck on the stairs and set on fire the house at the same time.

“Just come here, I’ll turn the brightness of the screen to full. Hell we’ll even tan from it.” It already provided a decent illumination after all. Good enough to catch his friend trip over something on his room’s floor and reassuming his posture with a loud yelp. “Buffoon.”

“Well if you had faced the screen on my direction that wouldn’t have happened.” Already within the cosines of his pijamas, Phil accommodated himself on the free space of the bed with a comfortable distance between them. Only when his hands came to rest on his lap was when Dan noted what was missing from the scene.

“Wait you left your phone on your room?” He asked with incredulity. An ambulance siren resonated nearby as regret emerged all over Phil’s face. “Forget it. Honestly you are worst than Doris.”

“I’m ready to fall asleep at any moment now anyway, you only wanted me here so the girl from the grudge wouldn’t kill you.” He imitated the croaking noise from the movie but lost it when Dan actually checked the unlighted corner of the room with terrified eyes.

“Do that noise again and, Phil Lester I swear on your mom’s life I will punch you.” Half amused, half honestly terrified, he repositioned shallowly closer to throw, if necessary, a punch or have someone to hold on. Just in worst case scenario.

“Honestly that is such an overused sound it shouldn’t scare you by now.” He was still laughing the bastard. “I personally believe silence prior a jump scare is scarier. As if even the wind is afraid of making a noise so that entity wouldn’t find hmph.” A hand had covered his mouth, effectively halting him from proceeding.

“This kind of conversation is illegal when there’s no sun okay?” Making an emphasis with every word Dan awaited for the other’s nod before retrieving his hand. “I swear Phil if you try to pull up a jump scare I will punch you and the fans will send in the police for domestic abuse, and I don’t give a fuck.”

Phil’s laugh resonated on the room, soon followed by Dan’s.

The laptop, which had been on 25% when the blackout started, passed away allowing darkness to engulf them. Phil had offered going for his cell phone but at his instant yawn the idea was deserted.

Perhaps the constant obscurity and silence only interrupted by normal traffic noises was what stimulated him to talk. His concerns always found their way out to his skin at night and were now pleased to actually be voiced instead of swallowed.

“Phil?” There was a dim chance the other was already asleep in which case he would quiet his mind down to private again.

“Yeah?” Aparently not.

“When did you stop loving me?” Right after muttering the question the room seemed smaller. The space between them didn’t appear big enough and he felt the immense necessity of recoiling his extremities as close as humanly possible to his body, make himself invisible. Phil’s answer came in a whisper then.

“I do love you Dan, you know that.” After a minute he was about to remark that’s not exactly what he wanted to know but Phil spoke again. “I’m not in love with you anymore, you also know that.”

Suddenly, as if unchained by the blunt sincerity, a door opened inside unfettering a shiver all along his body with such immensity he feared his teeth would chatter. “I know.” He wanted to take it back. To fall asleep right at that moment and forget he had asked. Forget he had known the answer all along and go back to not caring at all. But Phil kept talking, faithful to the original question.

“As of when I don’t think there’s an specific date. I only noticed back in 2013 but I would be lying if said that was exactly when. It kind of drown away when I grew tired of swimming.”

Another door opened mercilessly needling his stomach. He wasn’t sure if even within the darkness Phil would be able to see how his arms embraced his abdomen to mitigate the feeling. “I…” A deep breathe. “I read a post and I guess it caught my attention more than I first thought.” Dan didn’t want to include the exact content of it in his attempt to excuse himself.

“You shouldn’t read that kind of things.” He could, by nothing more than the tone of voice, visualize Phil’s frown, and smiled.

“I know.”

“Can I ask you something?” Now that we’ve opened the subject. Wasn’t mouthed but implied. How to refuse now?. How to be an hypocrite now, as he always had been, and deny him an answer when he had done so for years?

“Shoot.”

It took Phil so long to find his voice again that it startled him. “Why did you stop? Was it really fear over the reactions or… or did I do something Daniel?” only at the ending his voice broke slightly and that was enough. Dan’s throat appeared to had been obstructed by a giant ball. Fingers pinched the brick of his nose rather roughly to try and mitigate the itching his eyes were suffering.

All doors had been opened only to reveal he never had had the keys that locked them to begin with. He had been the builder; the one to place them there but ultimately forced Phil to lock them. Cowardly, hypocritically as ever.

What a sick fable his life was, when he, the protagonist, was the last one to learn the lesson. The lesson that he had lost after all. Because Phil was going to find somebody. Phil was going to get married, and move out. Phil was going to have a family someday, one without him. And he’d have to learn how to live with that. Live without Phil. Without his Phil. His person.

An inevitability that couldn’t be unseen now. One he’d learn to live with. He will have to learn how to lock the doors by himself now. Heavier than ever.

He didn’t know how long he remained in silence, fighting the obstruction on his throat that burned his lungs. Fearing only shouting would emerge if his lips were to part when a distinctive noise alerted him of movement. His hand easily found a wrist holding him there. Asking silently for patience.

When he found his voice again, his throat was sore and not enough air entered his lungs but he tried, as if practicing for the future, to masquerade his voice. Never had he been more eager to remain in darkness. “You, are the clumsiest person I’ve ever met. Your general knowledge of unnecessary topics is unsettling and you piss me off constantly with your mess. “ He caught the glint of his glasses not far and stared where his eyes would be staring back. “But there has never, ever been a single day where you didn’t amaze me. Where you weren’t my best friend. Where I had not been grateful to whatever force of the universe for dragging me to your life Phil Lester.”

His face was burning and he was pretty sure it hadn’t go unnoticed how awkwardly his hand was shaking. Nor how everything intensified when another hand gently stroked his face and hair with a touch his soul yearned. Finally, Dan understood, hearts could skip a beat and palpitate with the mere purpose of reaching out to that other person with a plead. The same plead he had been echoing for years now.

Don’t leave me. Dont leave me. No matter how much I hurt you how bored you get don’t leave me.

And it slowly subdued, ever so slowly, taking the shivering along altogether until the hand was lowered to his shoulder and Phil’s voice came in a whisper.

“I believe, Mary Shaw is behind you right now.”

Dan’s laugh emerged effortlessly, welcoming. He shoved the prankster’s hand away. “Literally get out of my life.”

“I actually believe I’ll sleep here tonight. She won’t kill me, I don’t scream.” Accommodating himself as near as two bodies pressed together side by side allowed, Dan felt too exhausted to think when his head found its rest on Phil’s shoulder.

“You better not snore or I’ll kick you off my bed.” The doors were heavy, he didn’t know if he’d be able to close them this time, but his Phil was there. He had found his person and would fight for a stay place in his life, even if that meant locking the doors again. Even if it meant opening them again and let them consume their lives. 

Selfish, terrified as he had been seven years ago when he had asked first, his lips brushed the material that covered Phil’s shoulder with a whisper, feeling him get tense all over.

“Be mine.” 

Phil sighed, taking so long to answer Dan considered biting his neck but when he did it wasn’t a whisper.

“Forever.”

“Good”


End file.
